October 19, 2021|Mental Health
As a society, we tend to see the psychological impact of pregnancy loss as a female experience. But while pregnancy loss primarily affects expectant mothers, it is important to remember miscarriage is a familial loss— hopeful fathers, siblings, grandparents, and even supportive close friends all feel the reverberations of such a devastating blow.
In the difficult days, weeks, and months following the loss of a pregnancy many would-be mothers are left to navigate miscarriage trauma, struggling with symptoms like nightmares, depression, and anxiety.
During this time, the bereaved mother may become distant, show a lack of interest in usual day-to-day activities, or seem disconnected from or “numb” to the world around her. These behaviors are all normal for anyone experiencing miscarriage trauma and they should never be a source of shame or embarassment.
But in addition to the pain a would-be mother experiences, her partner will also experience grief, often in silence so as to appear strong and to better serve as a support system. Grandparents will struggle with not being able to take away the pain their child is experiencing while simultaneously dealing with their own heartache.
So, since the pain of pregnancy loss is profound and shared by many, shouldn’t the healing journey be shared as well?
I believe healing should be a collective experience. By coming together family, friends, and loved ones can both find and offer support, sharing the load and strengthening the familial circle as a whole.
Let’s take a closer look at how families can unite while coping with the loss of a baby and find comfort in healing with combined effort.
How to Heal After a Miscarriage: Tips for Families
Don’t Deny the Pregnancy Happened
It’s a common misconception that pain can be avoided by refusing to acknowledge difficult situations. Not only is this untrue, but it can actually exacerbate feelings of loneliness, shame, confusion, and sadness.
The psychological impact of pregnancy loss will be felt whether or not you discuss it, so why not open up the floor to conversation?
Bereaved parents can lovingly refer to their unborn child by the nickname they used during pregnancy.
Ultrasound photos can be kept as precious mementos.
Family members can encourage each other to speak about the unborn baby and listen with empathy when others share their thoughts or emotions.
Couples can choose a day to mark as a special occasion in honour of their unborn child. (The estimated due date, the date of conception, etc.)
There are countless ways to acknowledge the child and carry them in your heart. Agreeing as a family which ways would be most meaningful can be a wondering bonding and healing experience.
Be Specific When Offering Support
Asking “How can I help?” is a kind gesture, but many bereaved parents may not be comfortable asking for the help they need. Instead, try communicating exactly how you’d like to offer support to your loved one.
Some examples of specific ways to offer help include:
- Dropping off homemade meals
- Running errands on their behalf (picking up medications, grocery shopping, etc)
- Helping with household chores (tidying, laundry, mowing lawn, etc)
- Babysitting their other children
- Offering to pay for spa treatments, therapy sessions, or even household bills (if you have the financial ability to do so)
Remember, many would-be mothers experience intense feelings of shame, embarrassment, guilt, and even hopelessness as a result of miscarriage trauma. Being intentional and specific when offering support takes the onus off her and allows her to focus solely on grieving.
Don’t Put Pressure on the Healing Process
Grieving is a natural and normal part of life. We must experience and express our full range of emotions in order to truly begin healing after a miscarriage. For this reason, it’s critical not to rush the process— there is no need to “bounce back” within a specific timeframe.
Adjusting to the loss of a child isn’t easy and it can’t be hurried. You’ll need time to adapt to both the emotional and physical absence of your baby. You’ll need to establish new routines and slowly regain the ability to enjoy life without experiencing guilt or remorse.
It’s important for families to be patient with their grieving loved ones and to understand that healing isn’t linear— it’s a series of highs and lows that must be endured.
Try not to push those who are grieving to make major changes or “put on a brave face”. Instead, share in their sorrow and continue offering practical help. Encourage seeking professional support when necessary.
Ultimately, we must remember that it is a blessing to love a child, even for the briefest of moments. We can’t always change the circumstances we find ourselves in, but we can learn from our painful experiences— by being grateful for what we have, refocusing on the future, and not letting our hearts grow bitter.